but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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