I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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