This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
