The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Found your dick twin last night
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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