im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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