I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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