Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My feet surprised me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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