I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
