She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
