did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
