it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
