dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
