life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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