I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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