She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
