Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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