i think i have two assholes
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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