I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
