And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
