Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
