i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
