He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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