high people should be assigned attendants
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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