I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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