I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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