my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
