Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
