I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
