So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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