1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I wish you could order shots online.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
