dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!