Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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