Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
