Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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