I seem to have left my pride at pride
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
