Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
