fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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