i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
