i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
