I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
