Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I touched a dick in church today
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
