do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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