??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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