If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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