i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
