Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
