I think I died a long time ago.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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