"it" just moved
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
