I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
