Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
