My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
