Need sex. Gaining weight.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
