I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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