i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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