Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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