the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
