one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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