I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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