Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
