I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
