I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
