Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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